This is a little what silence looks like.
Hold tight, while I try to describe what it feels like for us.
The us who have experienced the silencing of abuse.
We willingly held your hand as you escorted us into the darkness.
Your “shhh”ing was coded in manipulation, gifts, I’m sorries, demeaning, belittling and vulgar words and threats.
We remember still holding tightly to our recklessness, our independent stance and our raised fearless voice of all defiance when we met.
We were rebels without a cause or several causes if we chose – We didn’t care either way nor did we care if you did.
We had that when we began my walk with you into the darkness and step-by-step we began to lose our footing, our voice, our direction and due to this confusion our grip to their hand become tighter.
All that was behind, that was who we were, all that we knew …. was too far behind to recall and all ahead of us was too dark to brave on our own.
You knew this …
Before we even held your hand for the first time.
They knew all we once were … would fade.
They knew our Fierce voice would become faint. They knew our weaknesses and our habits would be the only way we could, after a while, be near them.
They knew now that we had no one to lean on.
They knew that we would keep them and lose ourselves.
They knew we would always come back.
They knew … we had lost ourselves.
They knew when we became weaker they would need to be stronger, louder, and meaner.
They knew if they told us long enough we would believe them.
They knew if we compromised our worth and our bodies and our heart and mind long enough to
Them … that we would feel we had nothing to offer anyone.
They knew what they were doing.
And they knew, without grasping at their hand, we wouldn’t know what to do in this darkness.
Because this was their safe place, their hideout, their domain, not ours.
We did not belong here and they also knew this.
And they hoped we never would.
They thought, as we continued on, we would never let go of the hand that dragged us to this place, where they felt they had convinced us was the only place we were worthy to belong.
And they have done this…
For far too long.
But they forget, that we also have had time in the dark previously, we have stepped in before, we have lost our footing, we have ventured in and what we always found …
Was specks of light.
And though they would sway us in.
Knock us down in every sense.
Convince us we were wrong.
Manipulate us to lower our head, due to our “lack of worthiness” and shamefulness of existence and distract us from the specks of our own marvel that revealed themselves, peeking through the darkness, so small that may remind us of our innate light.
And yes,
I guarantee we missed a few.
Many we were too shameful and numb and depressed to see.
Some we disregarded, avoided, and saw and pretended we didn’t see due to not being ready and many you hid from us.
But we didn’t miss them all.
Silence is confusing and defeating.
It’s raw and lonely even in company. It’s freezing, and dripping sweat. It’s nightmares then waking up and living in them.
It’s nausea and panic.
It’s wanting to be by yourself but so terrified all at once.
It’s wanting out and being unable to move all in one.
It’s screaming inside and not feeling worthy to be heard.
It’s heartbrokenness and grief.
It’s love and betrayal.
It’s gasping for air but realizing your still breathing.
It’s being lost and not wanting to be found.
It’s the tears and cries that make us feel as our heart and soul may pour out with it.
It’s wanting to talk about it but knowing we won’t be heard.
It’s desperation and seeing freedom but unable to grasp it.
It’s seeing joy and love and envying it yet disgusted by it all in one.
It’s … a soul shattered, hurriedly picking up, and desperately putting together all the shattered pieces of glass, even while getting cuts as the sharp edges clip our skin, to create what we know is intended to be so beautiful.
We were once a shattered and silenced soul.
Wading our way in the dark.
But slowly we let go & sought the sparks of light…that was our soul and in this space we are home.
Hear us now roar.
Sending love,
Jaydee
Jaydee Graham is the truth teller behind the soulful hub The Soul Grind. She thrives in advocating for those who have trouble doing so for themselves and finds the essence of life within soulful conversations infused by coffee. She is a healing woman who channels her soul into writing so that others may feel seen, heard and empowered to step into their journey and love themselves. She is authentically human and brave enough to step into the messy ness of her life to rise up in who she is intended to be. You can connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.
Image courtesy of Sara Rolin.
