In the world of dating, it can be frightening to be vulnerable and open. We all want to be loved and we want to be seen. But what happens when you’re also scared to be seen? Well, you often end up in a frustrating dance of hiding then being hurt that nobody sees you. This notion of being seen applies to being seen both physically as well as on the level of being seen for who you are as a person.
Some people are afraid of being physically seen. I’m referring to the people who find it really difficult to “put themselves out there” (am I the only one who is sick of this phrase?!). They have a hard time making eye contact and engaging in conversations with people they find attractive. I don’t believe that this necessarily has to do with shyness, as I know of outgoing people who become paralyzed in these attraction scenarios and conversely, I’ve seen otherwise quiet and reserved individuals turn up the charm when they’re attracted to someone.
Now let’s discuss the people who fear being found out – those who are afraid to show their true selves to people they’re interested in. These individuals hide in plain sight. They may wear masks or play a certain role that they believe is more likable than their true personality and authentic self. Their hiding may not be as obvious as it is with those who avoid getting noticed physically, but make no mistake, it’s still hiding.
I believe that all of this comes down to one’s comfort with being visible. If you believe that you’re physically beautiful or attractive, it shows! When you don’t see yourself as beautiful or attractive, you disengage. This in turn creates a barrier that prevents any possible connection with another person. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as that lack of connection is then misinterpreted as proof that you are, in fact, unattractive.
Along the same lines, if you believe that there is something lacking in your personality or if you haven’t truly loved and accepted yourself for who you are, you’re not going to let the real you show. This again creates a barrier to connection, as you cannot truly connect to others if you aren’t showing up with authenticity and integrity. You’ll likely end up feeling misunderstood or wondering why you attract people whose energy or values are so different from what you’re looking for in a partner.
I had a huge aha moment the day I realized why I just couldn’t seem to make eye contact with men I was attracted to. I realized that if I was looking at them that meant that they could also see me. It sounds pretty basic, but it hit me in that moment that I was not at all comfortable with being seen – neither physically nor on a deeper level. It was a sobering moment and it was a difficult realization but it made so much sense of everything I had been struggling with up to that point. It also allowed me to see that I didn’t need any dating tips, instead, I needed to work on my relationship with myself.
If you’re interested in meeting someone but you find yourself either running for cover at the sight of someone you’re attracted to or you hide in plain sight by putting on a mask to hide the real you, I invite you to ask yourself how comfortable you are with being seen.
If the answer is “not very”, then dig even deeper. What are you afraid will happen if you’re seen? What thoughts do you believe will run through the other person’s head when they see you? What do you see in yourself?
Before you can ever be comfortable being visible to others, you have to love and respect what you see in yourself. Once you deepen that self-love and self-respect, you will welcome, rather than fear, the day that someone you’re interested in wants to see you.
Alisha Morgan is a personal development coach who believes that if we don’t like the way we currently see ourselves and our lives, we have the power to change if that’s what we really want and if we’re willing to work at it. She works with single women who are tired of putting their happiness on hold until they meet “The One” and who want to start living happier and more fulfilling lives now! Connect with Alisha on her website or on Facebook.
Image courtesy of Bryan Minear.
