Our story begins with my good friend, Roger. Well, his real name isn’t Roger but I wish to respect his privacy.
Roger works as a data analyst at a big firm in California. One that you all know. He has been working there since 2012. Roger’s job requires him to work from 9:30 am to 5:30 pm, 5 days a week. While he won’t admit it, he actually stays at work until 7–8 pm every night.
In case you were wondering, he doesn’t get paid for working over-time. Every time I question him about it he comes up with different answers.
“I had to finish a project”
“They expect me to stay”
“It is not usually like that”
We talked about this issue last week. I told Roger his answers sound like excuses and he aggressively replied: “I don’t have a choice, okay?”.
Lately, I find myself becoming a friend he doesn’t wish to talk to because he gets upset almost every time we talk. I know I ask difficult questions, but I do it because I care about him very much. We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember myself.
The perception of choices
“We are our choices.” ~Jean-Paul Sartre
After much thought, I have come to understand why our communication channel fails when we discuss this issue. It is far deeper than his job requirements or the fact he stays late at work.
It’s our perception of choices and limits. Roger believes he has no choice and I know he does.
When his boss asks him to stay late, Roger thinks it is expected of him to do so. While it might be true, he doesn’t understand that he has a choice. The truth is — he can leave. He can, for once, go home at a reasonable hour and spend more time with his kids. With this new revelation of mine, I realize that Roger is acting in the same manner on a daily basis.
For example, everybody in his office goes out for lunch. They don’t eat together, but when they’re back they talk about what they ate and where. A while ago, Roger told me that he doesn’t see the value of spending $15–20 every day for lunch. When I suggested that he can bring his own lunch Roger said he can’t be that guy who stays in the office all by himself. Or in other words — “I don’t have a choice”.
We all do it
Clearly, this behavior isn’t exclusive to Roger. In many different situations, we let ourselves believe that we do not have an alternative. No alternative = no choice. Simple equation. We all do it to a certain degree. Here are a few examples:
- We must get a present for our relatives when we go abroad, we don’t have a choice.
- We must tip the waiter, we don’t have a choice.
- I must wear a suit for the meeting, I don’t have a choice.
- My kid must go to school, he doesn’t have a choice.
- My wife must attend this family event, she doesn’t have a choice.
Sound familiar?
The more we face the same ‘I don’t have a choice’ situations, the more we tend to justify the importance of our actions. We start convincing ourselves that attending a family event is, in fact, important. Our minds are trying to create a logical explanation to justify our actions but the truth is — there isn’t one.
The more we face the same ‘I don’t have a choice’ situations, the more we tend to justify the importance of our actions. @saaroron (Click to Tweet!)
What we actually mean to say
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” ~Nelson Mandela
When we say “I don’t have a choice” what we truly mean is “I’m too afraid to deal with the consequences”.
In Roger’s case, for example, he is simply too frightened to think what might happen if he brings his own lunch. He can be labeled ‘weird’. He could miss out on the usual after-lunch office chat. Irrationally, Roger rules out all the alternatives. Thus, he is left with only one option — to spend $4,000 a year on lunch. Or as Roger himself said: “I don’t have a choice, okay?”
No, it’s not Okay.
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
We have to realize that we always have a choice.
It’s all about rationality. We need to be aware of all other options, then decide. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t tip the waiter or shouldn’t wear that suit. We just need to acknowledge that there is a choice. We might not be ready to deal with all consequences and sometimes that’s okay. Yet, we have to appreciate all the options we have and approach each decision consciously.
Making rational decisions is vital, even if we decide to stay in our comfort zone. After all, our usual ‘comfort zone’ option also has negative outcomes. If Roger realizes that he can go home to his family, but still chooses to work late because he might upset his boss — so be it.
Be Ross.
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” ~Roy Disney
It reminds me of an episode of ‘Friends’ when Ross moves into a new apartment. He is asked by a neighbor to pay $100 for the handyman’s retirement present. He refuses because he had only just moved in and never actually met the guy. Later in the episode, he suffers from the consequences of his decision. Some people might watch this episode and think that Ross is cheap. Others might think he is right not to pay, as he is merely making a point.
I believe that the example we should take from this situation is to think rationally. Ross knew all along he had a few options. He could’ve paid. He could’ve not paid. He could’ve offered to pay some of it. He consciously chose not to pay and had to deal with the outcome.
We are all afraid of potential consequences and do our best to stay in our comfort zone. It’s not always a bad thing. You can pay for that guy’s retirement present if you don’t want to end up living in a toxic environment. It might be the better option. The important lesson here is to acknowledge the fact that we have a choice.
“No matter what the situation, remind yourself, I have a choice.” ~Deepak Chopra
Thinking clearly about Roger has helped me to develop. I started to look for my own ‘I don’t have a choice’ situations (trust me, I have more than a few). This new perspective pushed me to question my routine decisions.
For quite some time, I wanted to reach more people and help them start or continue their self-fulfillment journey. I’ve been supporting people most of m life and have grown to learn that this is my gift and purpose. I convinced myself that I didn’t have a choice, but to work “by the book”. Get a certificate as a coach and find clients in my area. But it isn’t what I want to do. I want to engage in a conversation with a wider audience.
A long process of positive thinking led me to Medium. I immediately saw the potential. Medium was there all along. I probably even visited it in the past. Yet I could only see the potential when I was looking for alternatives.
Only when I realized that: I have a choice. I always do.
All it took was to practice my self-awareness.
Originally posted on Medium.
Saar Oron is a musician and a writer. He contributes articles to Medium’s largest publication for makers, The Startup. He is also a top entrepreneurship writer on Medium. Saar is on a quest of helping other start or continue their journey toward self-fulfillment. By doing so he is continuing his own self-fulfillment journey.
You can find him on Medium, or follow him on Twitter.
Image courtesy of Umberto Shaw.
