Do you know what I learned from that first example? From settling for a girl I didn’t want? From finding out the girl I wanted actually wanted me?

Nothing.

I went out with the girl I wasn’t that interested in for a few months, and the girl who I really liked went out with someone else. I never got to go out with her.

That happened to me so many times.

It happened some more times at school, it happened at college, it happened at university, it happened at work, it happened outside of work. It was like a routine.

And it hurt every time. It never got any easier. But instead of deciding I’d had enough pain, I kept reliving it.

I laugh and shake my head now when I look back on all these countless moments of pain. But I wasn’t laughing at the time. I was shaking my head and wondering what the f*ck I was doing.

I always thought “this time, it’ll be different.” But it never was. It was always me refusing to tell her how I felt and then watching her lose interest.

I just couldn’t seem to let go of the thought of how much it would hurt to be rejected. To completely and utterly and totally lose my chance at being with her. I’d decided the pain of indecision would be less than the pain of rejection, and I never dared to put that belief to the test.

Do you know what I learned from that second time? From the girl who kept making excuses?

I learned that the pain of indecision is much bigger than the pain of rejection.

I asked her out again and she made excuses. That means she said no.

I could’ve not listened to her. I could’ve chosen to hold onto whatever chance I thought I had with her. I could’ve put even more effort and energy and time in.

But for what? To go out with someone who was making excuses not to go out with me? For her to settle for me?

I did like her and I had wanted to see her again but I decided I’d had enough of not being enough for her.

I let her go.

And it was uncomfortable. And it did hurt. And it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

But it was so much easier than being indecisive and refusing to even ask someone out and then desperately holding onto my chance even when I knew it was gone forever.

 ***

The first time I learned nothing, because all I did was blame myself. I never thought about what I could learn from what I was doing. I never thought about doing anything differently. I never accepted that all these girls I liked ended up going out with someone else because I’d chosen to keep my feelings for them to myself. But the second time I learned something because I took responsibility. I asked her out again, and she made excuses, and that’s when I told myself that I can either keep asking her out, or I can let her go. I told myself that I could accept being rejected, or I could hold onto some imaginary chance. I accepted being rejected and learned that after pain comes relief. And that was a relief. That’s the difference between blaming yourself and taking responsibility.

Blaming yourself is when you refuse to learn — taking responsibility is when you choose to learn.

Blaming yourself is when you hold on. Taking responsibility is when you let go.

Blaming yourself is jail.

Taking responsibility is freedom. @Matt_Hearnden (Click to Tweet!)

Matt Hearnden is a writer from the UK. He mostly tells stories only he can tell. He blogs twice a week at www.matthearnden.com just self-published his first book:42. Matt writes every day because he loves it and because it stops him watching Netflix. And, probably more importantly, he plays basketball and has lots of tattoos. You can find him on Twitter, IG & Quora.

Image by Andrei Porfireanu.