We’re told the law of attraction is the key to getting everything we want in life, but here’s a dirty little secret only a few people know: the law of SUBtraction is where it’s at. Why?

Deleting what you don’t want, enables you to attract in what you do want.

What does this mean?

It means that too often we fill our heads with positive affirmations while at the same time, secretly worrying about all the things that might go wrong in life.

Our negative thoughts and worries actually cancel out our good thoughts because negative thinking spikes adrenaline, and adrenaline gets our attention fast.

Instead of concentrating on what we do want in life, we first need to release all the thoughts of what we don’t want. And let me tell you, this is a heck of a lot easier to think about than actually do, but I’m going to share two tricks with you.

What doesn’t work when you’re striving for a fulfilling life is to try and talk yourself out of what you don’t want (your fears). Doing this is like trying to prevent yourself from thinking about pink elephants.

See? The minute I mention them, you’re off visualizing them. Stop it. No, stop it right now! 

Not so easy or effective eh?

photo credit: massdistraction

When we bury our fears and cover them  frantically with positive thinking, they fester and grow.

We can’t frost a cake made of crap with beautiful positive affirmation frosting.

Alternatively, when we bring fear out into the open, rip off its protective positive thinking coating and shine a spotlight on it, we can see fear clearly for what it is: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Let me give you a hot example many clients share:

Do you worry your spouse might cheat on you? If you bury that fear, and try to reassure yourself everything is fine, you’ll create a hot bed of paranoia that feeds into every aspect of your relationship. The brain knows you have a secret worry and your brilliant mind looks for proof that your fear might be correct in every moment. Suddenly you’re touchy, fearful, and hyper-sensitive.

If instead you sat yourself down one day and admitted: “Okay, I’m afraid my spouse will cheat on me.” Your next step is to play it out in your mind to completion. Sound crazy? Well let me tell you, what’s crazier is to pretend you’re not fearful and ignore that fear.

Here’s two things to try instead:

• First admit to yourself that you’re fearful, then let your mind go crazy with it’s ever imaginative fearful story telling. Really allow your imagination to run wild and let the scene play out in your mind.

They are cheating on you! You knew it! What a scum bag and a loser, what a sneaky son of a bitch, what a little ho. So what will you do? You’ll confront them.  

And they will either admit it or they won’t. But you’ll have proof so you’ll either go to therapy and work it out, or you’ll leave them.  

And if you leave them…well then, what will you do?  You might stay with friends, go home to family, or start over in your own place. Then, based on your financial situation, you’ll either get a job or you won’t. Then what? Well, time will go on, you will grieve, and your heart will heal. Then…chances are you will meet someone new…who won’t cheat on you. You will either fall in love and start over, or you will live blissfully happy and single for the rest of you life.  

Now the wild card here?

You may play that scene out in your mind and realize: “Hey, this is crazy, my spouse loves me and is loyal. They would never ever cheat on me.”

But you take control back from that crazy wild horse mind of yours don’t you?

Instead of worrying about an outcome you have no control over, you instead play your fear out to completion and then deal with it. You seal that fear off with a solid period at the end of the sentence, because you’ll either start laughing at the absurdity of your fear, or you’ll realize you can handle it if and when, it comes to pass.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Once you clear out your fear (and this may take a few rounds of practice as it arises again), fear loosens its hold on you. The best part? Eventually the fear loses it’s oomph and zing as it crosses your mind, which means… no adrenaline spike and no spinning out in that dark tunnel of despair.

• Next, quit beating yourself up for all of your perceived failures in life.

Ever start a job or a relationship you didn’t like?

Each so called failure in life, actually gets you closer to what you DO want. @dailytransform (Click to Tweet!)

Sometimes we have to taste something bad to know we don’t like it, and life unfolds this same way. Think back on every relationship you’ve ever had. You definitely learned what you liked, and obviously learned what you didn’t like right?  Next round, you won’t stick your hand in that honey pot if it appears to have those less than desirable traits.

You’re smarter. You choose more wisely.

If you were my client, I’d ask you to immediately make a list of all of your so called failures in life.  Your jobs, your relationships, all of them. Next, I’d pick you up off the floor and urge you to look back over each “failure,” then make a list of everything you learned and the good that came from each particular door closing.

When we remove our “so called failures” from memory, our self-esteem can free itself from the negative muck and soar.

There are no mistakes. Every past failure led you somewhere. Even miserable life occurrences, when reflected upon, took you towards something new.

Letting your mind clear out and release those so-called failures in life, frees up an incredible amount of energy and space. Space to create and attract what you really want in life, versus attracting in low vibration, low self-esteem situations that match those perceived failures from your past.

We need to realize every mistake was merely a step on the path towards what we want in life. 

When we let our fears play out to the point of laughing at them, or finding comfort in knowing we can handle them if they come to pass, we create more space for what we do want.

When we let go of our perceived mistakes, we free our self esteem from failure, and launch ourselves towards the success we desire.

Thinking about what you want is nice, but subtracting out what you DON’T want- to clear the slate for what you do- is extraordinary.

Tamara Star believes happiness is not an end destination, but instead the ability to see the ordinary through eyes of wonder. She’s an international best selling author, life coach, and the creator of the original 40-day Personal reboot program for women–a 6 week virtual deep dive into clearing the slate on what’s blocking you from living a life you love. Her first book, a quick and easy read: “How to Survive a Break Up and Come out Thriving,” is available on Amazon. Her co-authored book “Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life” sits on the International Best Sellers List. You can find more information on dailytransformations.com and follow her on FB or Twitter. 

Receive Tamara’s 11 ways to instantly regain your balance now right here.

Featured image courtesy of dlp photo.