In my large Italian family, food is love.

Overflowing bowls of bread and pasta show motherly affection. Piles of cannolis to celebrate births, graduations, weddings. But for me, who overcame obesity and food addiction to release 100 pounds and regain my health, these foods are the last thing I crave or want.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love food. However, I eat for health, and unfortunately, the Italian food of my youth is not what my body needs as I approach fifty years young.

So of course, when my birthday came around a few years ago, my family started planning for pastries, Italian cream cakes, and cheesecake. I knew that, for my own well-being, I needed to be selfish and just say NO.

Modern culture prizes selflessness and abhors selfishness, in effect setting the two against each other.

“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”

While, of course, we need to have consideration for others, we also need to re-examine our beliefs around being selfish. It is important to value and love ourselves, to think for ourselves, and to be able to love others without losing ourselves. How do we differentiate between valuing ourselves and egotistically indulging ourselves?

The answers lie in self-knowledge. When we undertake an inner journey and come to truly understand ourselves, we develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully, and lovingly with ourselves.

By doing so, we will be better able to love and care for others. An apt analogy is the instruction for oxygen masks on planes: “secure your mask before helping others.” Secure your own well-being and happiness first in order to help others achieve the same.

“The process of attaining self-knowledge both softens and strengthens us and serves to help us love and appreciate life and other people,” says Bud Harris, author of the book Sacred Selfishness: A Guide to Living a Life of Substance. “Self-love is the firm foundation that determines how strongly we can give love and receive love.”

The quest for self-knowledge is greatly aided by the following three tools of self-discovery.

Inner work is a life-long deepening of the connection to your truest self that can enrich life beyond words.

Journaling

Writing in journals is not just recording events, as in a diary. To journal is to explore feelings, thoughts, experiences, to look for connections and themes, to express the innermost aspects of your life. I recommend setting aside time, even just a few minutes, at the same time every day for regular journaling. There’s no right way to journal. The only rule is to be honest. Read Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, for great suggestions on journal writing.

Inner Dialogue

With this tool, you give voice to your emotions and states of being and actually converse with them. For example, ask the perfectionist in you why it has been so ever-present in your life. What is its role for you now? What does it want, what does it fear?

Either write down your dialogue or enact it. If you choose to role-play, differentiate between yourself and your inner quality by standing in two places and changing your voice and characteristics.

Dream Work

Dream images have several layers of meaning that all speak the language of the soul. In order to work with them, first record them. Keep a pad of paper or a cassette recorder by your bed and record what you can remember as you awaken. Use them as a jumping off point for journaling and/or inner dialogue writing.

Use self-love to do what’s best for you.

When I told my family I wanted a simple angel food cake with fruit instead of the usual Italian fare, their feelings were briefly hurt. And I know that their intentions were good—food is love to them. But I knew what was good for me, and I wasn’t afraid to tell them.

By understanding and asserting my needs over my consideration for family tradition, I was honest and open with my loved ones. I took care of myself first, which allowed me to truly celebrate. As I blew out my candles and looked at my family’s beaming faces, I knew we all understood each other a little better.

Weight Release & Body Image Coach, Laura Fenamore, is on a mission to guide women around the world to love what they see in the mirror—one pinky at a time—so they can unlock the secrets to a healthy weight and start loving their lives as soon as possible. Having overcome her own battle with addiction, obesity, and eating disorders, Laura released over one hundred pounds twenty-four years ago, beginning her on a journey to guide other women to live more joyous, balanced lives. Laura believes that self-love and self-care is where the transformation begins. Learn more about Laura at OnePinky.com and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

*Photo Credit: Nina Matthews Photography via Compfight cc