“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
Dr. Wayne Dyer
Being in love can stir up feelings of vulnerability for many people. When we let our guard down and show our authentic selves, there is always the possibility that we will be rejected or, worse, humiliated. This possibility activates fear. I have counseled couples for many years, and dysfunctional communication is one of the top reasons relationships fail.
Fear is an underlying driving force for defensive, reactionary behavior and fuels the need to be right or to “win.”
A fear response is the same as an ego response. You have to actively choose love over fear/ego and, in the heat of the moment, this can be challenging.
I have been happily married for fifteen years. One of the most important aspects to keeping our relationship healthy and strong is our conscious effort to promptly admit when we are wrong and to apologize authentically. Having this give and take of good faith builds a strong foundation of trust and keeps fear to a minimum.
This week, I want to talk about the anatomy of an authentic apology.
Do you know how to say you’re sorry and mean it?
Let’s look at a couple common ways people think they’re apologizing, but they’re actually not.
1. Do you say things like…
“I am sorry, but _____________” (fill in the excuse for your bad behavior here)
e.g. “I’m sorry, but I was tired”
“I am sorry, but YOU _____________” (fill in justification for retaliatory bad behavior here)
e.g. “I’m sorry, but you were annoying me.”
“I’m sorry, OK?” (Add frustrated, not at all sorry sounding tone here)
“I’m sorry you think that I did something that I need to be sorry for.”
2. Do you act out your feeling of remorse rather than putting words on it?
A friend of mine told me that, in thirteen years of marriage, her husband has never said, “I’m sorry,” but she knows he is because he acts nicer than usual.
An authentic apology does not include any qualifier after the words “I’m sorry.”
An authentic apology looks something like this:
“I’m really sorry; I was wrong.” (Stop talking)
“I am sorry. I should not have _____________. It will not happen again.” (Stop talking)
The key to an authentic apology includes saying you are sorry and allowing the other person to tell you what they experienced or why they are upset.
I want you to think about how you apologize and what you need to do to actually BE sorry and communicate it in an authentic and effective way.
If this resonates with you, please share your comments. I know this can be a hot-button issue, so I’m sure you have something to say!
I hope you have an amazing week and, as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
Terri
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Tune Up Tips and follow her on Twitter.
*Photo Credit: Alex E. Proimos via Compfight cc
