To be a fearless fighter, you must be a fair fighter.
The more fear rears its ugly head, the dirtier the fight becomes. The most common use of fear in fighting is feeling you must win. The need to be “in control” and “on top” of a situation stems from the fear of failure, and when “winning” rather than resolving is your goal, you will resort to any means necessary to dominate your partner.
This fear of failure and the need for domination in relationships is part of your personal style of conflict resolution, which is heavily influenced by what you experienced and witnessed growing up—your downloaded blueprint.
If you want to move from fear-filled conflict to fearless fighting, the first step is to understand your current blueprint. It is only possible to change the blueprint once you realize what the current one looks like.
Taking a Love Assessment
This list of questions will illuminate your relationship fighting patterns and limiting beliefs about romantic conflict.
- What was your family culture about love and conflict?
- Did your parents fight?
- Who had the “power” in their relationship?
- How were conflicts handled in your family?
- How did your parents regard each other?
- Was there verbal and/or physical abuse in your home?
- Was there verbal and/or physical affection in your home?
- How many people in your family have good marriages or partnerships?
- Was marriage or romantic couplings held in high esteem in your childhood home?
- Were people free to express their feelings?
As I was listening to Day 2 of Deepak Chopra’s 21-Day Mediation Challenge, the guide said the most positive action we can take about the past is to change our perception and shift our awareness that the people in that past situation were doing the best they could at their level of consciousness. Responsibility means recognizing that regardless of what has happened up to this point in our lives, we are capable of making choices to improve our situation going forward. Moving on is the pathway to freedom and love. Be free to love!
Creating a Vibration of Love
Journal about the kind of fearless fighter you would like to be. Would you like to have the skills to resolve conflicts with courage and honesty? If you are currently in a relationship and unsatisfied with the way you fight, include in your journal entry how you would like to problem solve with your spouse. (Note: Not how your partner needs to change their style of conflict resolution, but how you want to feel while handling discord.) Take time to read what you wrote and visualize and feel having these experiences. Decide what you want to create and then make decisions in line with that goal.
It is important to realize that fear-filled fighting can cause irreversible damage to the foundation of a romantic relationship. When couples fight dirty, it erodes trust and feelings of good faith. This type of engagement stifles growth and expansion.
The good news is anyone can learn the art of Fearless Fighting! Once you are clear on your current blueprint and how you want the new conflict-resolution model to look, you will need to bring in some tools to build your Fearless Fighting foundation.
A Comprehensive List of Tools
1. No Name Calling
It will not resolve anything. Besides name calling, this includes swearing, hurtful sarcasm, raising your voice, and other forms of verbal hostility or intimidation. Create a code word or phrase with your partner that you can use to indicate someone has stepped over the line. If your partner continues despite your warning, it may be time to walk away and cool off.
2. No Blaming
You can avoid blaming by using “I” speech. When we use “you” speech (blaming speech), such as “you did this” or “you do that,” the other person naturally feels accused and becomes defensive. Instead, talk about your own feelings: “I feel hurt when you talk that way to me.” You are the expert on you, so stick to sharing what you experienced rather than telling the other what they did.
3. Only Stick to the Issues at Hand
Do not go back in time and bring up everything that has pissed you off since Reagan was in office! Argue about only one issue at a time. Do not start new topics until the first one is fully discussed. No “kitchen sinking”: when you store up a number of hurts and bring them up all in one totally confusing fight. If you find yourself saying, “and another thing,” take a breath and stop talking.
4. Give Each Other Space to Talk
Do not be quick to cut off the other person with a typical phrase like, “but that’s not what happened.” Take another deep breath. Be the water not the stone.
5. Stand up for your LOVE
Take responsibility for your desired outcome. No matter how the conflict arose, if it is getting dirty, you can end it. You can make a commitment to never intentionally harm your partner’s feelings. Someone else behaving badly is not a signal for you to lower your integrity bar.
6. Stay Calm and Don’t Escalate
Try not to overreact and avoid exaggerating. That way your partner is more likely to see your point of view. Better to walk away and take a time out than to lash out. Words can be lethal weapons and do serious damage.
7. Remembering
Many times remembering why you love this person makes resolving differences easier.
Fearless fighting is a skill that I have no doubt you can learn. Resolving conflicts with empathy and kindness is deeply satisfying and supports the pure potential of your relationship. Conflicts will always arise, but it is how you manage them that creates or destroys trust. Having some agreed upon ground rules in place before fear has you in a headlock, sets you up for success.
How do you handle disagreements with your partner? Share your fearless fighting thoughts maybe you need some advice on how to implement some of these ideas.
Love Love Love
Terri
Terri Cole, founder and CEO of Live Fearless and Free, is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. A cornerstone of Terri’s practice, meditation, was the impetus for her recently released guided mediation CD “Meditation Transformation.” In Fall 2012, she will begin hosting a Hay House radio show, giving listeners who are swimming upstream easy tools to flip over and float. Terri can be found on her website, Facebook, and Twitter.
*Photo by shandopics.
