How can you tell if your relationship is over? How do you know if you should stay or if you should go? End it or hang in there?
It’s not an easy spot to be in, believe me, I know. It’s not only a question I get asked a lot– it’s also something I personally relate to. “Should I stay or should I go now….” is not just a well worn out early 80’s Clash ditty but a real question that can be excruciating when you are in the middle of trying to make the right decision.
If you’ve ever had massive confusion over whether the relationship you’re in right now is the right one for you, just know, I understand how anxiety-producing and painful this can be.
I’ve put together some strategic questions for you to ask yourself in order to get more clarity. So if this is something you’re currently experiencing or if you’ve ever had this experience because let’s be honest…you don’t ever want to feel like this again…right?…then this week’s blog and its video are for you.
I don’t want your relationship to passively “happen” to you or you to be stuck in indecision and that’s why I’m talking you through some ways to reorient yourself…so you can get to your own truth.
If you’re on the fence on whether it’s time to call it quits, there are so many things to consider including (but in no way limited to):
Are there problems?
Is there conflict?
Are you unsatisfied?
Have you lost your attraction?
Is the conversation kind of uninspired?
If you said yes to any or all of the above, is that an indication that it’s time to end it?
My answer might just surprise you: not necessarily.
You can feel dissatisfied inside of your relationship for a lot of different reasons…and not just because it’s time to end it.
When you are not speaking authentically and not effectively communicating your needs or preferences that can definitely put you out of step with your partner and out of touch with yourself. So today, I want to invite you to take the time today to tend to you and turn inward.
Clarity comes from mindfully choosing to drop down into your internal experience, and one of the best ways to do this is to have a meditation practice.
Why would I want you to meditate? Life gets busy, and especially for the high-functioning women in my crew, we are often the ones steering the ship. There’s a compulsion to just keep the boat afloat, keep moving forward, get all of the things that need to get done, done. But if we never stop to pause, we don’t have the time to think about how we really feel.
You can start really small. Five or ten minutes a day can make a difference. It is in those moments of stillness and silence that you’ll begin to become acquainted with your real feelings. Creating some internal expansion through meditation and mindfulness will help create clarity instead of confusion.
A word about confusion.
In my experience of being a therapist for over 22 years, confusion can be a cover-up.
So what can confusion be concealing? Well, in a lot of cases (hi, ME, in my 20’s), deep down we really KNOW the truth of the situation…we know something needs to change, we know we need to take action BUT because we don’t feel like we know HOW to do it, or we don’t have the skillset or the right words to do it… we say things like…
“I’m so torn” or “I’m so confused”.
Having an honest conversation, ending it, confronting our partner about something we don’t like that they did, getting a divorce, or moving out…these can all feel big and scary and so sometimes, it’s “easier” to hang out in confusion than it is to take decisive action or even admit to ourselves that we have to make a move.
From my personal experience, confusion was my overwhelming feeling whenever I was in a relationship that I really knew deep down in my heart of hearts was not gonna go the distance. Prolonged feelings of confusion might indicate that you really do know what needs to happen.
In the episode, I give you more personal examples of what this looks like, so be sure to watch it here or listen to it here.
For this week’s downloadable guide, I’ve put together a list of 15 strategic questions that will help you dive into the actual state of your relationship.
I encourage you to take your time and as you ask yourself each question, pay attention to how you feel in your body and then journal. You can grab your guide right here.
I want you to give yourself permission to know and understand the truth about your relationship. If you allow yourself to listen to the wisdom of your body and tune into your gut instinct, you can still make a decision to take your time and make changes slowly.
Conflicted feelings can mean we just need to get better at having a real conversation, to have the courage to let the chips fall where they may.
One more thing and listen, because I really want you to get this:
Someone could be AMAZING and also still not be your person.
And that’s OK.
Having a relationship end is not a failure. We can’t marry everyone. We can’t go the distance with everyone. But, each relationship that you do have can bring you closer to understanding what you really want in life and in a partner.
If this episode resonated with you and it added value to your life, please share it on your social media platforms and with the people in your world so that I can fulfill my dream of empowering as many people as I possibly can while I’m alive on planet earth.
I super appreciate you. I hope you have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.
