The Q:
“What’s your opinion on one-night stands when it’s ultimately not aligned with what you want in your forever partner? I know women who wait years of sexual deprivation because they’re holding out for The One.”
Where do I stand on one-night stands? Are they soul satisfying… or just a distraction in your pants? I open up about holding out and putting out.
Holding out for The One (or not)
I’ve been the woman holding out for The One. That was wise for a while. I needed to heal after a divorce. Reclaim my body for myself. Do the deep heart work. And for me, that required solo time.
But eventually, the holding out was holding me back. Deep sex can dismantle you in the most agonizing, ecstatic ways so caution is natural—and part of the erotic charge. But I told myself that having exceedingly high standards in men was part of my spiritual path. Misplaced devotion.
The new age rationale went on. I had a story that it’d be oh-so-sexy to the person who would be my king if I’d been you know, kind of re-virginized. And maybe that would’ve been the case, but in reality, I was prioritizing someone else’s pleasure—someone I hadn’t even met yet—rather than my own real time satisfaction.
I got the f*ck over all that rationale, literally, and placed my devotion back in my holy hot panties.
One-night stands can serve as a form of medicine.
Sometimes, you can cry in a stranger’s arms—precisely because they’re a stranger. You can be ecstatic because of the fleetingness. You can be smutty and dirty in the sweetest-healthiest-funkiest way, and be fully witnessed… because that witness lives outside your everyday reality.
One-night stands can also be an invitation to be intensely present yet non-attached. And by “non-attached”, I don’t mean detached, chilly, or shut down. I mean being in the flow and honouring what’s there. It takes courage to bask in the exchange, sorrows, and joys and let it float away. So it’s an opportunity to give that whole experience a blessing, instead of projecting some story onto it. You can just let it be.
Sexually transmitted psychic sh-t—and other energetic funk to watch out for.
A one-night stand doesn’t always allow for you to know the cosmic baggage that someone else is bringing to the party. I believe that we’re entering/being entered, exchanging fluids and deep emotions, and that exchange can settle into our energy bodies for a very long time.
Sometimes it’s pure love and high vibe. But sometimes you’re absorbing somebody else’s psychic crap. It’s a danger with any sexual relationship, even if it’s long-term. If you’re aware of it, you can do the work to cleanse it out of your system—conscious visualization, meditation, prayer, cleansing rituals. Ask Life for all the energy be returned to its natural source.
I’ve never regretted a one-night stand.
They’ve always moved me forward. I felt more love for myself and usually felt a lot of love for the other person, even though it was clear we weren’t going to create anything beyond that.
At the end of the day (or at the beginning of the night?), really it’s about making an empowered choice. Is the experience going to move you in the direction of unfolding? Are you moving deeper into your true self? Are you making the choice from a place of fullness? Is the choice based on celebrating all that you already have going for you? Yeah? Then maybe you should go for it.
Or is it coming from a place where you’re going to feel constricted? Does it make you feel less than? Does it move you into unhealthy compromise? Then maybe skip him-her-them.
The choice is yours. Either way, make it from a place of deep love and celebration of yourself.
Here’s to intimacy.
With Love,
Danielle
Link Love
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Be a Little Lonely, by KIN. Watch on YouTube. Stream on Spotify, iTunes.
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Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path—from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul—the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries. Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.” A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son. You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media.
