Do you think about how your life would be if you made different choices?

I’m sure that you thought about the choices you made and thought “What if I chose differently? What would life be like?”

In the past, I used to think about that all the time. I would always be thinking about how wonderful things would be if I had made different choices in life.

What if I had taken my internship interview in America seriously?

What if I had treated my ex-girlfriend with more care and affection?

What if I had a more stable career instead of having to change jobs repeatedly?

These events had a very big impact on my future. For the past few years, the events have been replaying in my mind over and over again.

I would always stick myself in the past. Every day, I would return home and think about what could have been, what might have been, what should have been.

I paralyzed myself, because I was so caught up in thinking that my successes were only in the past, and the life I wanted was gone forever. Living in the past made my present self feel like a loser.

At the start of 2016, I decided to make a change. I would step out of the past and start working on my future.

But in order to do that, I had to stop living in the past and accept that I couldn’t change what had happened. I had to tell myself that,

While my past was terrible, my future didn’t have to be. @SpiritOnStage (Click to Tweet!)

I Had To Walk Away From Hindsight

It’s easy to look back on events and think about what could have been if you knew better. If you knew what you knew now, you would never have let that event happen.

I think back to my first real internship opportunity in America with a company that could sponsor international students. I was arrogant and believed I was naturally gifted at interviewing. I ended up making big mistakes and the position went to someone else.

The result devastated me, and continued to haunt me. It was my one true chance to make a career in America, and had I known that, I would have treated the process seriously.

I would replay the events in my mind, what would happen if I had the interview skills and answers that I had now? What would life be like if I passed the interview? What would happen if I could stay in America?

But I had to let this experience go. Back then, I didn’t know any better. Now, I do.

Could things be different? Possibly. But I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try.

Instead, I should focus on what I can change, which is my performance in future interviews.

You can’t use past knowledge to change past performance. But you can use past knowledge to change future performances.

Your only opportunities in life aren’t behind you. They will continue to be in front of you as well.

I Had To Walk Away From The “What If” Questions

Ever since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, “What if?” questions have haunted me for years.

It was my first relationship and it was very serious. We both cared for each other, but on the final days of the relationship, I lost her overnight. She told me the reasons why she was breaking up with me; I was unkind, uncaring, and disrespectful.

After years of reflection, I know that while I was certainly not perfect, I wasn’t terrible. But at the time, my mind wasn’t thinking of that. I was devastated and grasping for answers, anything that would make the pain go away.

This led me to neglect a lot of friends and isolate myself from the world around me. I was in pain, and I couldn’t focus on the future.

I would cry and start thinking about what I could have done. I could have been more caring. I could have loved her more. I could have tried to be with her every single day.

Maybe if I had changed, she would still with me today.

But the “What if” questions were holding me back. As long as they were there, I wasn’t facing the truth that I needed to face.

So I started thinking differently. I started thinking about what I could do for the people I met now. I could treat them better, be more caring and be more supportive.

She won’t come back, but that doesn’t mean others have to leave. If I can be a better person for the people I meet, then I will have something to show for years of self-reflection. Who knows, I might even meet someone new.

“What if” questions won’t change the past or make the future better. Ask yourself how you can change, and how you can improve the future. That’s more productive.

I Had To Stop Making Fantasies Of The Past

After I came back to Australia, I was devastated from having to leave America and was still reeling in pain from my breakup.

I pulled myself together and found my first full time job, but unfortunately I was fired after three weeks because the company wouldn’t train me. I found another job but was laid off after six months. Then I got another job which I left after three weeks to go to the job that I have now.

During all the transition times, I was miserable. It wasn’t the success that I thought I deserved. It wasn’t the experience I wanted after graduation. I spent all of my savings multiple times, and spent many months feeling scared and depressed.

To comfort myself, I thought about how life would be with a stable career. What would it be like if I could hold down a stable job? It was a nice fantasy to delve into.

The problem? It never happened. I was just living out a fantasy in my head that was influenced by my misery from my past events.

I had to stop thinking about it. It was a nice fantasy, but that is all it could be. I have to face the future in front of me now, or I will never be able to move on from the fantasy I trapped myself in.

Life hurt me, but escaping from it wasn’t the answer. As I learned, the only way to work towards a better future is to face your current challenges head-on. 

I Faced My Past To Focus On My Future

Once in a while I will still think back to events in my past. I will think about how they shaped me and how bad things were back then.

I don’t let those thoughts control me anymore. My focus is on the future ahead of me.

I’ve made mistakes and I had to accept them. I lived in fantasies that I broke out of. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.

You can’t keep living life thinking about what could have been. You can’t change it, for better or for worse.

But the future is still yours to shape, and it can be as happy or sad as you want it to be.

If you want a happier future, if you want to truly succeed, leave the past behind and walk towards the future.

Because life isn’t about what could have happened. Life is about the possibilities that can be.

And I hope that you can focus on what can be.

Victor Tan writes to helps people overcome their weaknesses to be a better public speaker. He does this by helping people with self-improvement and teaching them proper speaking techniques. You can find him at his website, Spirit On Stage, Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of geralt.