“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”- Gandhi

Are you getting ready to go off to college? These are years to be spent finding your unique “voice,” discovering your talents and skills, experiencing the richness of diversity, and pushing yourself through adversities that you are bound to encounter. Although you cannot imagine it now, surrounded by family and high school friends, college years can bring some of the loneliest times you may ever know.

So, I have some advice for new students about to embark on this amazing journey. Don’t go through college with your music locked within you.

Find ways to nurture yourself and to pass your “music” on to others. @Diana_Beyer_ (Click to Tweet!)

It will become one of the best habits you can develop. Perhaps my story will illustrate this point.

It’s possible that I’ve always been introverted. As a child, I had a few close friends, of course, but growing up, there was nothing about me that was even remotely related to being a “social butterfly.” Others would come up with crazy things to do for fun, and I would just sort of go along. Parties with a lot of strangers made me nervous. That may have been introversion or it may have been from just having lots of self-doubt about my social abilities and worthiness – probably some of both.

After high school, I enrolled at Heinrich Heine University in Dusseldorf and joined about 20,000 other students. It was a busy time, not helped by a double major in history and art history. Still, other freshmen found plenty of time to party and hang out. It was even more isolating than high school, actually, and I found myself on a single basic routine – get up, go to class, eat alone or with one or two other art history students, go back to my room, study and go to bed. Big huge blah. All of this didn’t bother me too much in high school, but being away from family and the few close friends I had just exaggerated the loneliness and made me feel really unlikeable. I struggled through two years of this, many times thinking I would just quit and go home. I even tried a few campus activities, but none seemed to be a “fit.” Each failure to connect brought more self-doubt.

During the summer between my second and third years, while home for break, I got a piece of mail that changed my life. Here was an opportunity to study abroad, in the United States, and there were several schools accepting students during their third years. Maybe that was the solution I was looking for – getting totally away – going somewhere where I would be new and unique and could let the “real me” shine. So, in the middle of my third year, I packed up and headed for the University of Denver, to spend the next three semesters.

I came “late to the party.” Here was a new situation, yes, but even worse. Friendships had been forming for three years already, and that was apparent when I settled into the dormitory, in a single room no less, and sat. The same routine began to settle in – get up, go to class, eat, come back, study, and go to bed. A few other girls invited me to go out, but somehow it seemed like they were just feeling obligated. I always declined. This was a stupid move on my part, but when you are caught up in the habit of being lonely and feeling rather worthless, you do things that reinforce those feelings. If you find yourself feeling this way, break the habit and accept offers to hang out, even if you don’t feel like it. Force yourself.

Finally, I hit rock bottom. I guess that’s what alcoholics call it anyway. A guy in one of my classes asked me out. Stunned and not able to come up with an excuse, I stammered out, “yes.” He picked me up, and we went to a party at a frat house – about the most uncomfortable situation ever for me. So, I had a few drinks, just to loosen up a bit. As the night wore on, he continued to get more physical and finally pulled me into a bedroom, pushing me toward the bed. How do you tell a guy you just met that, even though you are in college and twenty-one years old, casual sex is just not your thing? Not knowing how to say “no” gracefully was a huge fail on my part. Don’t make it one of yours.

Unable to find the words to stand up to this jerk, I ran from the room, out the door and somehow found my way back to the dorm. That was it. I would get the next flight out and go home.

In the midst of a sobbing phone call, my mother, who has the patience of a saint, had finally had it. “Look, you have to toughen up, and you have to get outside of that self-absorbed world you are living in. On Monday morning, you find something to do that will be of service to others. You are never going to be functional until you learn to give. Try it for three months – really try – and if you are still miserable, then we’ll talk about you coming home.”

Three months. I just had to make it three more months! This could be done.

On Monday morning, I found myself in the art and design building staring at a large bulletin board. There, as if my mother had placed it herself, was a large notice that read something like, “Volunteers needed as assistants for art therapy program.” I dialed the number and set up an interview.

The rest, as they don’t say, is not history. But it is a good story.

The chance to use my talents to make the lives of others, especially kids, better, was an amazing journey. It was definitely one of little steps and successes, but they came.

I found my “voice;” I had something exciting and new to talk about to others; a couple of peers in my design class joined me; the confidence grew. And that guy that pushed me over the edge? I finally confronted him too. His response was to ask me out again – this time to dinner and a play. No chemistry there, but we are great friends to this day.

I never did go home – well, except for vacations. Today, I am still in Denver, working as a creative director, loving my life, traveling a bit, and enjoying the small group of phenomenal friends I have. And the art therapy work? It’s one of those good habits I’ve kept.

This may be the shortest course you ever take, but it could be the most important. Looking back, had I begun the habit of giving to others when I first stepped onto a college campus, there never would have been any loneliness.

Diana Beyer is an experienced and self-driven specialist who is passionate about writing. Her purpose is to share some value among interested people. Apart from work, Diana likes traveling and reading. Personal motto: “Do one thing every day that scares you”. You can find her on Twitter & read her blog here.

Image courtesy of pixabay.com.