“Self-esteem is a warm personal regard from within.” – Pia Mellody

Shame and Y2K. The winter of 1999 is what I refer to as my Winter of Shame.

I say this fondly.

I had just come back from having spent most of my early twenties on an international pilgrimage around the world and was cracked wide open – in fact, a little too wide.

My heart and mind were blown open from all of the Encounter Groups, EST trainings, Osho immersions, silent retreats, monasteries and medicine journeys that had become my life on the road—I was so very raw.

I honestly thought I had lost my marbles and gone too far, too fast, too deep and hopped on a last minute flight back to the States because I wasn’t sure I could function for much longer. I just couldn’t seem to stop crying.

For months.

I remember being in the airport in Alaska, changing planes on a Hong Kong-to-New York flight and I literally felt like I needed to apologize to everyone in the terminal for my very existence. Shame.

I felt as if I had no skin and everyone could see through me. They were seeing how flawed I was – and judging me.

This moment was unbearable – I wanted to die – and the sense of apology was immense – I can still feel the vulnerability of that moment as I reflect on this now, and I offer a silent prayer of reparation for all who have felt the same.

I had lived within the invisible cloak of apologetic shame for most of my life – trying to pretend it wasn’t there although I felt was being suffocated by its stronghold that carried me everywhere I went.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and what connects all of us that share this heritage is a quaking sense of instability within, that can be wrapped in a cloak of shame – a perpetual but unnameable feeling of wrongness that all the world can see. I constantly felt as though I was walking on eggshells; always on guard, waiting to hear the next inevitable “crunch” under my feet as I feared my flaws were unforgivable and evident to all.

I landed in New York and made my way back to American soil and sought respite at my Mom’s home in Maine.

I immersed myself in the work of John Bradshaw, Pia Mellody and Melody Beatty – all experts within the fields of Codependency, Addiction, Boundaries and Shame and began the journey of healing the shame by recognizing it for what it is – a cloak that I could choose to heal and take off. I worked diligently with a therapist undoing these binding thoughts and feelings and began to locate my strength within.

Shame is healed when we are witnessed in the areas where we feel most broken. @GT_LifeCoach (Click to Tweet!)

This is what I love about my work as a professional life coach. I am given the privilege to bear witness to people in their most raw, most flailing and most gloriously messy selves – in service to seeing it for what it is.

Nothingness.

What I loved about my Winter of Shame is that it was the first time I was truly introduced to shame as an object versus my very being. I could finally see it, name it, and put my finger on this thing that had been shadowing me for so long. This was so freeing! It was now something tangible and objective instead of subjective. It was no longer an invisible cloak that smothered me, but remained just out of reach so I couldn’t pull it off.  My shame was something that was still present, yet manageable. I learned it was a part of me, but it was not me.

I finally had some power and leverage.

Shame, low self esteem, lack of self worth – much of this is dissolved through the practice of being seen, witnessed, cared for, as well as utilizing psychological technology that assists in this dissolution.

And from this place – magic can be created in our world, for healing is truly possible.

When a healing power emerges from us that affects our whole being, we see ourselves differently. Our inner eyes become clear. Our heart and kind regard of ourselves and others is more available. We remember we are not alone. The raw openness and feeling of being uncomfortably exposed to the world diminishes, and a new desire to willingly share with others fills the void.

We remember our truest selves by entering into an extraordinary sense of empowerment and no longer blame the world for our suffering – but instead stay close to the pulse of our aliveness that comes from our compassionate heart.

From here – our lives rise up to meet us because when we have freed up the energy inside to greet life in a new way.

Whether you are traversing your Winter, Fall, Spring, or Summer of Shame, remember that you are strong and will weather the storm. Even if you’re still wearing your cloak, you can choose to push it aside and see the beauty in your being clearly. Plus, having a guide to shine the light on your path can be so healing.

Miraculous, some may say.

Gabriella Taylor holds a Master’s Degree in Spiritual Psychology, serves as an ordained Minister, and is certified as a Professional Life Coach and Relationship Expert. You can find more information at www.GabriellaTaylor.com.

Image courtesy of unsplash.com.