“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” –Eleanor Roosevelt
As you start leaving the house, does a rising anxiety stop you at the door and have you double-checking the contents of your bag or briefcase?
Does that anxiety have you rummaging through it making sure you have every item you might need to get safely through the day? Got your snack, phone, charger, ear buds, cash, book, notepad, pens, charge card and everything else?
That’s what mine did to me! It had me planning for every event I could think of in hopes of minimizing every conceivable threat that would or could come my way.
It didn’t matter whether I was going to work, shopping, or even on an outing with friends; I was ready. I knew the best route, alternative ways to go in case of an accident or traffic jam, and even how I’d interact with the people I’d meet.
Living life that way – overly aware of your surroundings and constantly prepared – just really sucks doesn’t it?
Anxiety Can Have You in Its Grip For Years
I grew up with five unhappy people. Scarred by shame and angry that people didn’t live up to their expectations, they were emotionally volatile and had an excessive need for control.
It was a small house, so I couldn’t escape them. Childhood was one of constant scrutiny. If somebody didn’t like the way I was playing with a toy or a game, I was shown how to do it. If I couldn’t play with it according to their rules, they took it away.
I don’t know if you’ve experienced this, but for me, the worst part was having my fears and feelings sacrificed to someone’s demanding point of view.
When one uncle decided the time had come for me to learn to ride a two-wheeler, off came the training wheels even though I pleaded with him not to do so. My inability to simultaneously balance, pedal, and steer annoyed him. He yelled at me when I dropped my feet to the ground. Quickly he gave up on me and stomped into the house.
It was the perfect environment for creating a confused and anxious child, don’t you think? It certainly helped make me an anxious adult trying to control the uncertainty and suspense in my life.
The Living Nightmares Called Anxiety
You know how it is; anxiety can paralyze you with an attack making you a prisoner in your own home. Then the next thing you know, it’s pushing you outside your comfort zone because you’re so afraid of the failure it has you envisioning.
And don’t you just love the way it can freeze you in your tracks making you feel helpless and unable to figure out what to do?
It’s no wonder you’ll go to any lengths to exert some control over your life.
But nothing you do ever wins you a decisive victory, and you keep fighting the same battle over and over again.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
How I Finally Found a More Effective Strategy for Dealing with Anxiety
For to many years, I’d exhaust myself planning for family get-togethers, and then spend days physically and emotionally recuperating.
It finally got through my thick head that I just kept deluding myself into thinking that I could ever feel safe with my family. I was angry with them and even angrier with myself.
So once again I asked myself: what was the worse my family could do to me?
Nothing! Not really. It would be emotionally painful if they cut me loose or shunned me, but I’d survive. At least this aggravating situation would be resolved.
But it made absolutely no sense that a grown woman couldn’t behave in a rational way around people she knew couldn’t hurt her.
The more I thought about being unable to control my reactions, the angrier I got with myself. Under the anger was the desperate fear that nothing would ever change, and I’d be condemned to go through the rest of my life like this.
Out of desperation, I finally asked myself: What makes me so afraid of my family. What makes me believe they pose a danger to me?
And wouldn’t you know it, I got the answer.
Figuring Out The Answer Your Emotions Give You
Chip and Dan Heath say that your emotions are like a huge Elephant, and the Rider sitting on top of its head trying to control things represents your rational mind.
The rational Rider will have some success directing the Elephant to go where it wants. Sooner or later though – in one way or another – the Elephant’s emotions are going to give the Rider a lesson about who’s really in control.
And that’s what I was about to find out.
When the initial answer to my question was a mental picture of myself as a child, it puzzled me. There was nothing new about my fears stemming from childhood.
Yet, since it seemed to be the answer to my question, I decided to trust myself and let it lead me where it wanted me to go.
All I can say is wow.
Unresolved and clamoring for an outlet, the emotions I was forced to repress as a child were still there. Getting in touch with them meant re-experiencing bits and pieces of my childhood.
I felt as I had when I was a child, yet I was also still the adult. An adult who no longer dismissed my fears as irrational, but one who created a safe place for their expression.
Releasing these emotions required a lot of tissue and yelling in an empty room at people who had been dead for years, as well as some still in my life.
It was exhausting and liberating.
Why The Nightmares Go On For So Long
It all begins when the Elephant’s fear and anxiety escalates. The rational Rider steps in and does what it can to make those feelings manageable.
With the Rider working at soothing the Elephant’s emotions rather than dismissing them, there’s usually a successful – and repeatable outcome.
It’s the rational Rider analyzing, planning, and stuffing your bag or briefcase with all those items you need to get through the day.
And if something works once, then rationally it will work again, and again.
When nothing will prevent an anxiety or panic attack, the Rider chalks up a loss. But what’s one loss in the midst of so many wins? So it goes back to doing what it knows will work.
This relationship between Elephant and Rider is what keeps you fighting, but never winning your fear driven battles.
So how do you make them stop?
Find and release what’s empowering the fear that’s been sabotaging your life for way too long.
Therapist Wale Oladipo’s puts it this way: You cannot detach yourself from the anxiety, whose source you are still emotionally attached to.
Getting a Handle on The Nightmares
Emotions we dismiss, avoid, or try silencing make themselves known, which is why your emotional Elephant will always sabotage the rational Rider.
Getting in touch with those emotions making your life miserable involves two things: Trusting that your feelings will take you where you need to go, and creating a safe place for those feelings and emotions to be expressed.
While doing this process, keep yourself emotionally safe. This worked for me, but I’m not a therapist, so, if things get too overwhelming or scary, stop immediately.
All that’s required to begin is your desire in finding the answer to this type of question:
What makes me believe something is so dangerous to me that I have to go to such lengths in order to minimize the fear? Or,
What makes it so dangerous that I can’t even consider leaving the house, or going with this person some place?
Keep the focus on the emotions these questions bring up. Let your feelings lead the way to your answers. A figure or a place may pop into your mind. Stay with it. See where it leads you, and be open to the emotion that arise.
It might help to rapidly write your answers. Don’t pause to think about what’s showing up on the page. That will just give your rational Rider a chance to grab control.
Try pretending you’re talking to someone, real or imaginary. Make it someone who will give you the comfort and understanding you need.
The emotional Elephant is good at being supportive and will help you out as you do this work.
Pulling The Plug On Anxiety
Detaching yourself from these emotions may require some practice, so keep at it!
Take breathers between sessions; days if you have too. It gives your subconscious a chance to process the work you just did, That will help when you’re ready to tackle the next anxiety that’s making your life less than it could be.
These are significant changes you’re making. Give yourself time to adjust to them. So no launching a large-scale campaign to get rid of all your anxiety at once.
In case you’re wondering, these days family gatherings are no big deal. It also helps that this experience has made me more understanding of what unresolved emotions do to people.
A little compassion goes a long way. @QuinnEurich (Click to Tweet!)
So, be compassionate with yourself, and support yourself as you use this method.
Keep track of the changes you’re making. Identify the ways you’re living a more expansive and fulfilling life.
Be sure to give yourself credit for every anxiety you resolve – even the small ones! Every success you have decreases your overall level of fear and anxiety.
And that just makes it easier and easier to kiss the rest of your anxiety goodbye.
Quinn Eurich is a freelance writer and storyteller, who takes what she learns about overcoming her challenges with panic and anxiety, and shares them to help other people create the success they want. Her website, OutsmartingPanicAndAnxiety.com, provides methods and techniques to help people deal with these two tyrants. You can pick up your free copy of her 10 Tips to Outsmart Anxiety (Whatever the Situation) here and follow her on Twitter.
Image courtesy of The Typical Female Magazine.
