I still remember my teen years. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said to my parents. I wanted to be independent and do things on my own. “You can’t tell me what to do, Tricia!” I said, rebelliously using my mom’s first name. It turns out she could tell me what to do… because I needed her to drop me off at school and repair that hole in my shirt.

Gosh, I was such a punk.

You may be past the “I wish you weren’t my mom” phase of your life, but you aren’t past the possibility of saying hurtful things to your parents.

Living with my family over the years I’ve learned some of the things you should never say to your aging parents. You may be frustrated or you may mean well, but saying these three forbidden phrases can make any conversation turn into an argument. They certainly have for me. Learning what not to say was instrumental in improving my relationship with my mom.

“You complain too much.”

It seemed like my mom constantly complained about her aches and pains. I was a young adult full of energy. Her attitude was a downer and I complained about it. Loudly.

As I age, I now have a much better appreciation for the things my mother went through. Now, my ankles swell and my joints ache. Sitting awkwardly can spell lower back pain for weeks. I can personally speak about that now. When you have chronic pain, it is always present. It is the first thing you think about when someone asks, “How are you?”

I was a terrible communicator as a young man, but my uncle understood how to handle mom’s attitude. He acknowledged and sympathized with her pain, and then redirected the conversation. He asked about her hobbies, her toy poodle Lisa, and the latest town gossip. The effect was magical. It turned idle grumbling into a positive and engaging conversation.

When my uncle was around conversations were about what we loved rather than what we hated. He was an excellent example for me growing up. Whenever I am dealing with someone who focuses on the negative today, I employ his techniques.

“You have to give up your home. You have to give up your dog. You have to…”

I have a big family. We all have differing opinions. We all thought we knew what was best for mom when it was time for her to downsize.

Mom wouldn’t have any of it. It turned into a huge argument that had the dog hiding behind the couch.

In retrospect, it’s not surprising she rejected all of our advice. We threw our opinions at her without thinking about what she wanted. All we saw was that she couldn’t live alone anymore. We insisted someone check up on her.

We learned that it’s impossible to make someone listen. Mom doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. All of our demands got us nowhere.

Now I know better. When I think my mom should do something, I ask for her thoughts on the subject. I give her my options and we discuss the tradeoffs. We talk about the reasoning behind my requests. I might not get exactly what I want in the end, but I’ve helped my mom gather enough information to make her own decision.

“No. You can’t do that. No, you can’t cook dinner. No, you can’t take care of my son by yourself.”

I love my mom, but I don’t trust her to look after my son on her own. I was very firm on this when my son was first born. I was saying ‘no’ more and more. And then I wondered why my mom stopped asking. I was trying to keep her safe, but instead I was shutting her out. Saying ‘no’ so much was telling my mom I didn’t have confidence in her. That I didn’t think she was capable.

It was my brother who called me out on this bad habit while we were making Thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn’t let Mom help cut the carrots, and my brother caught the sadness in her eyes as she went to watch TV. I can’t believe I missed it.

I am now very careful to include my mom in as much as I can. She wants to help, so I let her. I know her limits and give her a project of her own that she can handle. It’s amazing how much she lights up when we ask her to help. She loves to feel useful and I do not want to take that from her again.

My mom always knew exactly what to say to me when I tried to do something stupid. Now it’s my turn to say the right things. To be mindful of how my words impact her.

I’ve learned that the key is to put myself in her shoes, to not make assumptions, and to encourage conversation.

Changing my language has helped me have a better relationship with my mom. @shaynefitzcoy (Click to Tweet!)

Shayne Fitz-Coy is the Co-CEO and President of Alert-1, an aging-in-place technology company headquartered in Williamsport, Pennsylvania with offices nationwide. A Certified Aging in Place Specialist, Shayne has a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Harvard College and a master’s in Business Administration from the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Shayne hails from Maryland, and now calls the Bay Area home. You can find him on Twitter & LinkedIn.