“You are a great mom. I’m useless”.

A compliment, and a comment that breaks my heart. My husband isn’t useless; he’s a great dad, and our daughter loves him dearly. But she’s only two, and I am a stay at home mom, so of course she is more attached to me, simply because of the time we spend together. And of course imposing discipline comes more easily for me as well. Not because I’m the better parent, but because I see the direct consequences if I don’t discipline. And, less altruistically—I simply have less patience with her after spending an entire day a with two year old.

If you are a father who sometimes feels useless, this is what I want you to know:

Taking care of mom is being a good parent! @up_spiral (Click to Tweet!)

There is a reason why they call the first three months of a child’s life the “fourth trimester”–the baby is still very much useless. (Yes, adorable, cute, lovely, but useless. There. I said it. Sanctimommies attack!).

I always tried to have her dad do most of the work (and I promise, not just because I’m lazy!) and hold her whenever possible. Bathing together, sleeping together (well, she would be sleeping on top of him while he would play video games or watch TV) so that I could have some alone time, and asking him for help when taking care of myself.

But since small babies prefer mom, those are just a few moments in the day, and it is easy to forget all the other things that he is picking up for me when I couldn’t.

When you don’t have time to eat, shower or sleep because there’s always a baby on top of you, it helps if someone makes you dinner and yes, sometimes even feeds it to you. It was either that, or spilling Pastel Azteca on my newborn’s head.

It helps if someone else thinks about the bills that need paying, puts gas in your car and cleans up the dirty dishes.

No, it is not directly related to the baby, but it does make you a good dad.

I know you miss her when you are not home

For me as a mom, under a year was the easiest time with my daughter. She wasn’t mobile until eight months, loved the stroller and being outside, and slept relatively well when we would sleep together. (Yes, we bedshared. Sanctimommies are going to have a field day with this article).

Besides the fact that I couldn’t really go out at night because she was still breastfeeding, things were going well for me and the baby. But seeing my husband being able to go out, do whatever he wanted to do (not really true, and he would always ask and take me into consideration — but being sleep deprived isn’t very good for having perspective) led to some tension and stress.

From his side though, he was seeing me develop this wonderful relationship with our child. I understood what she needed by her babbling, or just her facial expressions. I would know exactly how she wanted her broccoli, and that although last week peas were her favorite, this week she hated them. And he would just try to feed her peas, because she loves them, and wouldn’t understand why she didn’t want to eat them.

It is difficult to feel part of a family when you are only seeing your child for one or two hours a day at most. I tried to help him with that by sending him pictures I didn’t send to anyone else, telling him about cute moments and whenever she did something new, adorable, or annoying. And poop. I talked about her poop a lot as well. I hope it made him feel special.

I feel insecure as well

After a year everything (stress, not being able to do what I want, when I want it, not sleeping) started to get to me. Hormones from breastfeeding less, sleep deprivation, and a child who suddenly decided that the world stops existing when mommy isn’t there, all took their toll…

She was also sick a lot, with a ton of allergies. And of course sick children really only want their mommy. So being worried, and not being able to do anything, I can see how he might feel useless.

I can say though, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wouldn’t have been able to survive that time without him.

His constant reassurance that I am indeed a good mom, his reminders to eat, shower and take care of myself. His “permission” (read: kick me out of the house so I would actually go) to go out with friends and relax a bit and feel like a normal adult again, and him always being there, even when there was nothing he could actually do, all of it made it so that I survived those months.

You complete me, and I complete you

Being stuck in survival mode is hard, and even harder on your partner. You feel like you are on your own; your partner feels like they are on their own. And you have a little creature that depends on you and needs your attention, your love and your patience.

I dropped the ball here, and he, being a good dad, picked it up. He was there for her when I couldn’t be. He gave her attention. He played with her, taught her new words (not all words I agree with though…)

He made sure that there were people in her life who loved her, took care of her and were there for her emotionally when I couldn’t be.

Sure, there are things that I would have done differently. Sure, it would have been better if I just had been able to ask for help sooner and accept more help. But she survived, and so did we. And she is ok. She’s confident, happy, and healthy. And that’s all we can ask for as parents.

I cannot imagine anyone who I would rather parent with than you

I am looking forward to the future. I know that as parents we have a lot to learn still, and we will probably make a few mistakes along the way. Me as much as him. But I also know that we will work things out together, for the best future for our child.

There isn’t any other person in this world I could have chosen who would have been a better dad for our daughter than the dad she has. She is a lucky girl.

As a side note, if we ever have another child, boy or girl, I will name it Gotham. I’m sure it’ll be easier for him to get out of bed and help if I can say “Hun, you have to go, Gotham needs you.”

Sandra Scholman is a 33 year old mother, wife, life coach who currently writes for www.spiraling-up.com. As a Dutch national living in Mexico she is trying to find ways to make most out of life. You can connect with her via Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Liane Metzler.