I thought I was a misfit because I was a first generation American, with Indian immigrant parents.

Or maybe it was because I looked different than everyone else in my predominately white, upper middle class town.

At times I thought I didn’t have friends because I wasn’t outspoken enough. Avoiding the center of attention, I was deemed the quiet, shy and timid little girl. I equated being shy with being unseen.

I didn’t belong when my only friend in pre-school told me I couldn’t hang out with her group of friends. I learned, I couldn’t be seen with in public. But behind closed doors, I could have friends.

I thought it was because I was the kid that was forced to wear Indian clothes for my pre-school graduation.

At age four, I remember receiving another message. While I sat with my dad, as he was prayed and meditated, I got a clear message, a knowing really, that I was different, yet very special.

Maybe I had to go back to my cultural roots to feel comfortable in my skin.

Back in India, I was teased for my white washed accent. Being a girl, wearing t-shirt and shorts and eating chicken nuggets over dal and rice. I was a NRI- (Non-resident Indian). That wasn’t my place.

But my place wasn’t in the PA suburbs either.

I definitely broke the mold of possibly being the only Indian kid getting eliminated in the first round of the fourth grade spelling bee. I was no Indian whiz kid that’s for sure.

Not only did I feel different on the outside, I felt different from the inside. There was a palpable energetic difference I could feel. But I surely looked like a girl version of Steve Urkel.

As a teenager, I thought it was because my parents were too overprotective that prevented me to have a social life with the “cool” kids.

I disregarded my inner voice that said I shouldn’t be doing what the “cool kids” did. But I did it anyway and started drinking at the age of sixteen.

I didn’t make the cut in the cool group. But at least I was slowly numbing away the feeling of not fitting in.

Then I was convinced my skin was too dark to be seen as beautiful. That’s why I wasn’t being noticed.

Skin color is where it began. I slowly scrutinized everything about myself. From my laugh, hair, height, weight… You name it. Yeah even my name. I picked it apart feeling “not good enough.”

Since I couldn’t change those things… What changes could I control?

Maybe it was the way I dressed? In college it was about shorter tops and tighter pants to maximize the attention from guys. It became a game of proportion. I started to master this game and started noticed.

But my self-esteem was directly linked to the attention. It was a constant balancing act where my self-worth was dependent on receiving compliments from guys. My confidence varied like a rollercoaster.

College was the first time I found a group… A big group of mostly guy friends. We drank, partied, studied and only lived for today. It was the closest I felt to belonging. But unfortunately, it was a false sense of fitting in.

Over drinking compromised my integrity, took away precious moments of my life and repressed my feelings of inadequacy.

There was always the subtle insecurity lurking under the surface, that told me I was a fraud.

The voice that said I was special was virtually non-existent.

It was all about feeding the “high” of looking for the next validation, positive attention and reinforcement. Where could I get the next hit.

Boyfriend? Yes, I needed a man to define me. So I found a man that seemed perfect. A good looking Cali boy, studying pre-med who drove a Lexus. Score!! Well that satisfied the beast of approval for awhile.

Maybe it was the East Coast weather… Let’s try the West Coast. Who doesn’t enjoy the sunshine, warm weather and vastness of possibility that Los Angeles offers.

But since I wasn’t a wealthy “somebody” I was a “nobody” in LA.

Now it was time to fit into the norm of what society deemed as successful.

So on to law school. I hated politics, speaking in front of authority paralyzed me and confrontational arguments gave me anxiety. So why was I in law school again?

I thought being a lawyer would be what I needed to fit in as an adult. A respected professional, be wealthy and be seen as intelligent.

I should have it figured it out by the time I entered the “real world”

Having lost the structure of school, no relationship, being supported by my parents, a mediocore legal career and living in San Diego, where I had no friends— I hit the ultimate low of loneliness, hopelessness and was completely lost.

I had no idea who I was. What I stood for. What I believed in. I was an empty vessel going through the motions of life. I was existing, not truly living.

It was clear I didn’t fit in with my family. I didn’t fit in with any particular group of friends. My relationship to the doctor ended. I had no inner circle to support me…

I was a lost soul that didn’t belong… Anywhere. Not even in my own skin..

I hit an emotional, physical and mental rock bottom.

Fast forward six years… I was once again in a learning setting during my Kundalini Yoga Teacher training. My journey of awakening brought me to the most powerful spiritual experience. I was finally surrounded by like–minded, spiritual seeking yogis.

I put myself out there, vulnerabilities and all but once again I was an outsider. A misfit. Not accepted in the “cool” group. I had a breakdown.

It was in that during that breakdown we did a Kundalini Meditation. It was finally at the age of thirty-one my journey of being misfit became clear…

It wasn’t the people in my life, the way I looked, where I lived, my credentials or the amount of money in my back account that deemed if I fit in. I didn’t fit in because I was never meant to fit in. When I tried, I always failed.

It was like I was a triangle block trying to fit into a circle opening. It was never going to fit.

The wisdom that came through during that meditation was “Tejal, you always felt like you didn’t belong and never fit in with a group because YOU ARE energetically different. The thing is you were NEVER meant to fit in.

Every time you try to fit into a group you dull your inner light, you dishonor your truth and you play small. You mold yourself into what others expect of you and the true you can’t shine out.

Every time you try to fit in with the crowd, you play small and dull your inner light.
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You are meant to be different. You are meant to stand alone. You are meant to be unique. You are meant to stand tall. That is when you will finally fit in with YOURSELF and find your place in the world.

After years of laying under the darkness of not belonging, the memory of when I was four years old, sitting with my dad came through. Yes — I am different YET very special in my own way.

So I ask you, why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Tejal V. Patel is a legal advocate turned spiritual advocate. Now a Mindfulness Coach, Kundalini Meditation Expert, Children’s Yoga Teacher and Contributing Author to 20 Beautiful Women and A Letter to My Mom. She believes in order to bring peace to the world, we have to plant seeds of yoga, meditation and mindful breathing to help our children cope with the challenges and uncomfortable emotions life brings. She does this through the signature Astitva Seekers Mindfulness Coaching program, where she teachers modern women, from around the world, how to incorporate mindfulness and meditation in their lives and be a positive example for future generations. Tejal inspires women to embrace meditation as a lifestyle, not a fad, through her free inspirational weekly Astitva Seekers blog. You can follow her on Twitter, FB, IG and sign up for her newsletter here.