For most of us, there’s always something we do that if we did less of, would help out our lives. Call it a habit, an addiction or just a magnificent effort of procrastination, they are real actions with real results that we often suffer from later. We judge ourselves for them, but this doesn’t stop them. Some of us go so far in to our habitual rut that we transformed it into a trench, and need a rebirth or rehab, to get us moving and fulfilled again. There are so many opinions on the subject and this is one of them, but I’m fair to put in my own insights as elite knowledge because of how many other methods I’ve seen people try, that just don’t work.
So how do you change a habit, really?
First, you need to clearly identify how long you’ve really been doing it.
I’m going to use the example of porn addiction. Most of us probably think that we just masturbate to pornography because it feels good, so we don’t call it an addiction. It’s just something we do. In truth though, the human psychology can get addicted to anything that it perceives supports its hidden motives. These motives can run deep in our subconscious that doesn’t think about time, so changing an addiction starts with looking at how long you’ve been doing it. If you do it for thirty minutes a day, every day over how many years, how long have you really spent staring at pornography and exercising your genitals? Is it just for fun now, or can you see it’s taking up a lot of your life?
It’s like video games. If you added up all the time I’ve spent playing them, I’ve probably taken an entire year of my life to smash console controllers while slaughtering and getting slaughtered by twelve year old gamers. The point I’m making is that if we don’t quantify the extent of the habit we want to change, we won’t. A motive must be pretty powerful to get you to do something, every day, for your entire life.
By getting a recognition of how much time you’ve actually spent on your habits, you can give yourself the shock you may need to recognize that you are, for whatever the habit is, stuck on it. Getting honest about this challenge is the first step to choosing to do something about it.
Second, you need to write down a list of benefits and drawbacks to the habit.
Most people just assume that their habits are bad and they shouldn’t do them, but has that ever stopped you? If you’re reading this, probably not. The reality is that every action we do, we do for a reason and we need to identify these reasons if we are to prevail in transforming an addictive habit. People will claim that there are no upsides to addiction, but this just isn’t true. You wouldn’t do it without an upside. It’s your animal nature. What’s more likely is that you haven’t taken the time to look deeper.
If you have a habit you find impossible to stop, then it’s time to think into new realms of possibility. Make a list of at least thirty benefits and thirty drawbacks to your habit. Make sure the list is equal. If you need thirty minutes to think of one upside or downside to balance it, do it. I find it helpful to write it out, assuming that I will find something. Assuming that there is a motive helps you find it because if you assume there is none, you’re judging the process and you’ll lock yourself from the answers.
You may want to write more than thirty. If so, please do. The more you get on paper, the better this works and the clearer your mind will feel. This is an exercise in getting stuff out of the mind. If you are truthful, you’ll find yourself looking at your habit honestly and analytically. This is an effort in psychological journalism, so keep the reporter questions available. For example, who are you copying in your life by doing this habit? Who are you doing it for? Why are you doing it? When do you do it and why only then? Where do you do it and why only there? How do you do it, and why? These are just examples, but I’m sure you can adapt them to your needs.
Third, you need to transform your motives
If you’ve done this right, you’ve found some good reasons for your addiction. If you still think there are no good reasons, keep looking. There’s got to be a reason, even if the reason is to avoid something else. If I paid you $1 million dollars to not do it today, could you? I bet you could. So this is a game of reason and motive.
Because of these motives, you need to find a new activity to give you the same amount of pleasures and pains. If you don’t do this, you’ll keep going back to the old way.
You can change your motives, but it’s a lot easier to change your habits. @MissionInspired
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What if you turned watching porn into going out and meeting new girls? Could you find a way to make the new activity include all the pleasures and pains of the old activity? If you’re smart enough to come up with thirty benefits to your addiction, then you are smart enough to transform it.
How can the new activity give me the same amount (or greater) of upsides and downsides as the old activity? This is your last question. Once you’ve got this one down, you’ll find yourself freed up from the old way and moving towards the new way. There might be some other pieces, but at the core, this is how to really transform an addiction. Anything else just includes too much or too little pain and pleasure.
Stephan Gardner is a Life Performance, Personal Development & Psychology Specialist who helps people achieve mental well being through a luminary understanding of human behaviour, emotions, yoga, meditation and life transformation. A teacher of personal and spiritual development and dedicated Yoga practitioner, his mission is to inspire you to reach life fulfillment through inspired work, wisdom, and love. Connect with Stephan. You can follow him on Twitter or find more info on his website.
