A few days ago, I was working through some issues I was having with someone who worked for me. Not only was she my right hand gal, but she had also become a friend.

The problem was that she was doing a few things that were pissing me off (issues we probably all have with bosses or co-workers), and I needed them to change. I mean it is my business, right?

But like I said, we had become friends, too.

But friends or not friends, a discussion had to be had. There was definitely tension, and I needed that to change.

The thing about me is that, although I can definitely be a softie when the time is appropriate, business is business.

I had been afraid to reach out until now because every time I had approached her in the past, she had been short and quick-tempered with me.

And though it’s not at all an excuse by any means, she’s got a lot going on. But again, that’s not an excuse to me. We all have a lot going on.

But I feel for her. She’s a single mom, trying to duke it out in the world. But at the same time, her baggage affects my business. Sorry to say.

So a talk was definitely in order. Not only were a few things suffering on the work-end, but she was actually hurting my feelings.

I was starting to take it personally.

Anyway, hash it out we did. And although feelings got hurt and both of us broke down, we finally got to the bottom of what was really going on. And you know what? It had nothing to do with me.

What I’ve come to learn is that when you’re stressed, over worked, in a tough situation, or taxed, it is really hard not to project your frustration with your own life onto the ones closest to you.

But negative emotions can hurt others and leave scars.

When there is negative behavior projected in your direction, you will always wonder if you did something wrong, even though, oftentimes, that behavior has nothing to do with you.

So what I think we all need to do is take ownership of what is ours so we can have healthy relationships with others.

And then there are preventative measures we can all take so we don’t end up kicking each other to the curb.

I’m not an expert, but here is what I have come up with to help you when someone near you is projecting.

1. Hold yourself accountable. 

Be honest. Unless you’re a complete narcissist, you know when you are trying to wiggle your way out of accountability or you are flat out lying to save your ass.

If someone you love is calling you out and there is even a shred of truth in what they are reflecting, don’t go into anger/defense mode. If you do, you’re not acting out of integrity. You are not being accountable. Basically, you’re not owning your sh*t.

Regardless of what you did or didn’t do, when someone you care about is sharing his/her feelings, the accountable thing to do is to take in those feelings and acknowledge them, whether there is any truth in them or not. You’d want the same done for you, right?

A little validation goes a long way.

2. Hear. Don’t just listen.

Listening and hearing are two very different things.

When you are listening, you hear sound. When you actually hear, you are seeing. And when you can see, you can empathize.

If someone tells you they don’t feel heard, stop dead in your tracks and ask for forgiveness. It means you’re projecting so much of your own nonsense out there that you’re incapable of receiving.

In any healthy relationship, you need to get out of your own way long enough to hear someone else. And that means you’ve got to stop coming to your own defense.

3. Don’t take your frustrations out on others.

I know. It’s hard to believe you could ever take out your frustrations on others, but even the best of us do it. Most of the time, we take it out on our closest people, which just isn’t cool.

Our family and friends are not a dumping ground.

If you are frustrated with aspects of your life, don’t allow your frustrations to take precedence over your attitude and integrity with those you love. You may not mean to do it, but you are making your frustrations more important than the love and respect you owe your friends and family.

Allowing meaningless crap to take you away from the ones who nourish and support you is just stupid and uncool.

So, if you are frustrated, stop for a second and use your brain to help you justify better behavior.

We need to be smarter than our emotions. “I didn’t mean to” can no longer be an excuse.

I have just given you three things to think about when someone is calling you out on your sh*t. How do you feel when others project onto you? How do you feel when you project onto others? I would love to hear from you. Leave your comments below.

XO, Hayley

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Hayley Hobson is an author, speaker, business coach, yogi, Pilates instructor, and holistic nutritional expert based in Boulder, CO. Her unique and intelligent style promotes strengthening while softening—empowering her clients to heal not only their physical bodies but their hearts and minds as well. To learn more about her nutritional courses, events, and custom programs, visit hayleyhobson.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

*Image courtesy of ImNotQuiteJack.